It's midnight and I can't sleep. This happens alot since my mom passed away. I settle down for the night only to find my mind thinking, remembering, crying. Someone told me that the best way to grieve was to talk about it, so here i am blogging cause everyones alseep. Why is it that my mind only wants to remember the last three months? She was an amazing mother, an amazing woman of faith, a hardworker. A person I want to become like. But all my mind wants to think about was the sickness, the sadness, the goodbye's. These past three months have been the hardest, most amazing months of my life. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I'm just writing what I think. It was so hard to see my mom so sick. She wasn't able to do anything for herself. We had to remind her sometimes how to suck out of a straw. It was heartbreaking. But the vail was so thin in that little living room that you didn't want to leave. Being able to help take care of my mom that last month was something I will cherish the rest of my life. It seems so minut compared to all she did for me. She didn't make sense alot of the time when she would talk to us. Sometimes she would call for me. For a couple of days I was her comfort. Me and my sisters would take turns sleeping in the living room with her. I happened to be sleeping in the bedroom the night she told my sisters "kuliana is comfort". Why was I comfort to her? Was it because I was her baby? Was she mixed up and meant that she wanted to comfort me? I don't know... I like to think that maybe I was so good that she found comfort in me, but we all know that Lehua was the good one! That's one thing I'm going to ask her when I see her again. To see her again... it's true I will see her again and it will be a joyous reunion. I wonder what she's doing. I picture her with a list of "things to do". I'm sure she already has most of the things checked off. She was so ready to leave and get busy. She kept telling us that she had stuff do and that she needed to get going. I imagine her singing in the most amazing heavenly choir... no i take that back, she is for sure directing that choir! She loved music. I found a journal of hers that she had typed and printed for all us kids. It covered most of me and my siblings infant and toddler years. She and my aunt leaora always had some big production going on that I wish I could have witnessed, but I was either not born, or just a baby. One of her entry's she confessed to having someone else nurse me because she was in the middle of a huge choir program of some sort and couldn't feed me. Gross, I know! But I forgive her! You know whats the weirdest is thinking back to last october. I was down for the fair weekend and we all went to the parade. We hung out never suspecting what was just around the corner. I wish I had more pictures of her with my kids. I wish my kids could have taken piano lessons from her. I wish I'd learned how to can things with her. I wish, i wish, i wish..... The list could go on and on. I never thought losing a loved one was so stinkin hard. I couldn't imagine if it was my spouse. My poor dad! If I feel this way then he feels a hundred times worse. Robert is pretty onry with him lately. But how else is he supposed to deal with it. I imagine that's how a 5/6 year old would deal with losing his mom. No one understood him like my mom. And now she's gone and none of us can take her spot. Poor guy. He has such simple faith and understands more then the rest of us. He humbles us. My mom never once complained of the pain she was in. She told us that she would be strong for the grandchildren. She stayed true to her word. Even towards the end when she couldn't say much and we didn't understand her she always brightened up for the grandkids. She smiled at them and many times told them she loved them. Sweet little Kylee even got kisses from grandma. There was so many sweet, tender mercies witnessed that last month. To sacred and special for me to say, but to important for me to forget. I'll have to write them down so I never forget. Life is short people. Enjoy every little thing, every little detail, everything. What a wonderful Father in Heaven to make such a beautiful plan. A plan that makes it possible for us to be together forever. A plan so perfectly thought out. A plan that helps me want to live better. It's time for me to try to go to bed. I have to be a mother in the morning. So until next time when I can't sleep...